the daughter of the King

2011-06-27T19:33:00.003+08:00

I know fairytales end
i know to be open minded
i know not to look too much
i know self control
i know that good things come to an end and memories live on forever
i know all these things i should do,
but i stand so helpless, not moving, not even trying
there's an ache so unexplainable, and because it is so unexplainable
i dont know how to go about making it better
but i know exactly why i ache
i know exactly why

爱你自己先

2011-06-24T23:24:00.000+08:00

2011-06-12T07:00:00.003+08:00

its been a month since i wrote in this blog

many things have happened since (:

i went to india, almost got killed, lost some weight

but had the bestest learning experience,

and bestest company

it was my first time backpacking and in all honesty

i am not for roaming, nor hard life

then there was sgh

quite relaxing but the teaching has been awesome

and many many meetups

with the med and no med people

bbqs, house dinners, brunches

many meals to help me put weight back on

i dont really want the weight back

but the food's too good, and i've been too deprived

school's starting in 2 weeks

im starting with ong

one more week of ong and neonates

hopefully we'll finish both the project,

go for some standbys and learn more next week

more meetups with the aussie poeple who are back

Bringing the bro out for movie and lunch, and papa for father's day lunch(:
going to india, was a strong strong remindder of how much i loved them

and i need to show it more

i<3this holiday many many

but i also can't wait for the cg road trip

the next year starting with OnG,

the many smaller trips, the CHP filled with weekly roadtrips

and and and the electives!

i hope i get back my dream elective plans (:

2011-05-07T19:11:00.002+08:00

its days like these
when my exam is tmr
and its the paper that i want to do well most in
and im given a certain peace that transcends even my own understanding
that God didn't make me do all the work in a day
(:

and that all the work i've done was done
when i stayed back to clerk, when i skipped to clerk
when i was turned away by the patient and stayed to read their files
it was done in the spaces of time in between ortho and surg,
it was in helping others, it was in those days when i was sabo-ed to present
one time, two time, many times
(:

i <3 medicine (:
in a way so special
that it humbles even me
(;

2011-04-14T20:17:00.003+08:00

exams are coming

i am a hermit crab

but thinking back

im really thankful

for the patients

who have been so

so so

brilliant

for my sake

and im going to be strong for them

2011-04-13T10:58:00.002+08:00

i hope the rain never falls down on you, but if it does, crys i hope you have the biggest umbrella, and i hope people are kind enough to share theirs and if you don't have one, i hope it only makes you love the sun more, and if you can, i hope you would splash in the puddles and dance in the rain, because this is the crystal i know.

i cried reading this (:

sometimes i feel really tired from suppressing emotions

but bobo,this takes away all my fatigue

and im like a small girl dancing in the rain, with no shoes again

2011-04-12T20:39:00.003+08:00

surely you must know

that when i look at you, my heart is burdened by the barriers i face,

and surely you must notice the smile in my eyes when I am in your proximity

how i turn into someone different,someone happier, someone better.

and this is enough for me

2011-04-09T06:22:00.002+08:00

i'm gonna miss them bad :(

sometimes you cannot explain things, no matter how hard you try. sometimes things are effortless, like coming to love this cg, laughing with them, and i truly honestly, really am thankful for EACH and EVERY single one of them

last day today

and the next time we work together like this

might be when we're tired down and out HOs

but the memories remain (=

2011-04-05T23:28:00.003+08:00

yesterday i saw a man and a woman

and they had 5 young kids

i wondered very hard, what made people come together

what made people love despite of and in spite of

how do imperfect people seem so perfect in each other's eyes

i want to marry my best friend

a man, whose sees my thoughts as they are,

and knows how not to hurt me, how to make me smile

a man who I am completely unafraid of being myself

a man i can fully wholly trust to father my kids

a man whose silence calms me

a man whose thoughts are clear to me

a man whose eyes find mine

a man who is my best friend

and who i want to be perfect for

love is never wasted,

and we only pity those

who don't know how to hold on to it

but guard your best heart

and save it for the man

who knows how to care for it,

who makes me beat harder and faster

2011-04-04T22:45:00.001+08:00

remind me to have faith

on days where its all gone

and teach me patience by making me wait

2011-03-16T23:44:00.002+08:00

i don't know what's there tomorrow (:

i'm holding Your hands today

2011-03-15T23:15:00.002+08:00

because this blog opens only to the eyes and ears of some people

i let out this feelings i dont usually let out

and a side of me, things i deeply feel for

you know i think

my dad is the world's best dad

i won't think any less of him

i see his glasses perched on his nose while he sneaks naps,

because he bothers to send us wherever we want to go because he can't bear to let us squeeze with the crowds in an mrt

he stays up waiting for me to finish running, cuddles me when i'm all 22, reads my brother's report card over and over again

because it says such brilliant things, beams with pride, worries secretly, and really, sacrifices a whole lot

but my dad is not the best lover

he doesn't surprise my mother with roses on valentine's day

nor does he say 'i love you' to her much, nor do they share dates like lovers in the past

i wasn't born when they were in love, but i know my mother has always been the more fearless, more expressive one in love

and i always wondered whether she felt unreciprocated as she showered him gifts and notes

but there's a part of me that believes

that my dad's love is silently strong

because he shows it everyday,

he takes my mom out to run

he fetches her everywhere,

he waits for her to finish her shopping

and most importantly, he loves her children

he loves her mother, he loves her God now (=

and maybe

even as i feel the fatigue of holding out for a man so romantic, expressive, loving

i'm secretly already falling for someone like my dad,

someone so unchangingly steadfast, wholly reliable, so steadily strong

(;

2011-03-14T22:55:00.002+08:00

it was a dream and i woke up from it

l allowed myself, to go past my limits

and despite time and again i convince myself

this is time to let go.

because this heart is too tired for more

Dear Lord Teach me (:

2011-03-08T20:50:00.002+08:00

Dear Lord,

teach me, guide me, mould me, use me

teach me that just as Your love forgives, mine can too, even if the hurt is more than I can bear

teach me that just as You are peace, i should always seek peace

teach me that just as You lifted me up, i have the power to lift others up

teach me the patience of prayers unanswered, and teach me to love the way You love me

and let my words and my actions make people strong

remind me that above all things, I am Your daughter. (;

teach me that my existence is love without reward

and for all things i do, let me seek my reward from You

teach me to look at myself before I get angry with others

teach me to look even closer at myself before I say i cannot

teach me the satisfaction of hard work and help me find beauty in trying

teach me to see everything beautifully, every heartache in front of me

and help me see that my heartache is nothing compared to a mother holding her dead child

and make me thank you profusely even in these days I cry

screen my words, and my actions so that I hurt no one

teach me to smile, laugh, dance, sing even when i'm hurting

most of all,

teach me that I can do all things-loving, protecting, healing, listening, forgiving

through YOU who gives me strength

teach me these things Lord

2011-03-06T19:25:00.002+08:00

i thank God that I havent grew up much!(: then i can still laugh at stupid things, and be silly and still have people love me. I thank also for people who make me feel like i'm better than i'll ever be (: and so in their presence and proximity i am just content being myself. I thank God for the children, because their nudges and kisses reminds me of purity and simplicity and with them, i search no more. I thank God for family, because they are always so perfect to me, and I to them, i am always so content being their daughter and their sister. I thank God for ling, for trees, for sherms, for jam, for the girls, the cg, the old friends, for all these friendships that come so freely. (:

I thank God for me

that in learning to love myself

i am beginning to believe in myself again

2011-03-04T05:15:00.002+08:00

i cannot wait for this june hols!(: my longest hols yet since year one! 7 weeks how coool is that man!(= Anyway,I am truly thankful for it.its 5 am and Im already up and its quite tiring to study like that but then again,medicine still makes my heart beat faster, all that excitement learning! And recently many other things too :p like going to india! We're going to settle it real soon, probby leaving on the 14th may, and coming back on the 5th june. Following which will be my neonate/paeds posting with my research which is honestly, exciting stuff as well. Dr. Varsha and Dr Lian will be the love >

MALAYSIA!

there's 3 free rooms for the cg, and since we have many malaysian friends in all of malaysia, we are going to do a CG road trip! YAY

<3<3

my life is abit more exciting suddenly

2011-02-25T05:52:00.002+08:00

love is

ironically when you least expect it

and when the other person doesn't have to try

and when you're not even looking

nor can you control it

you're in love for sure

i finally understand that medicine is horribly binding

whatever it is,this is a journey i choose to take

so high mountains,long cycling roads, blue waves

please wait for me?

2011-02-15T00:15:00.002+08:00

and i'll forever keep you in my heart

and when time doesn't turn back

thats where you'll be

i'll remember laughing with you/at you

i'll remember laughing till tummy cramped up and tears came rolling and I had no inhibitions

i'll remember how i can never be angry for more than 5 mins. i remember how much i enjoyed being in your proximity, and i'll remember the moments of silences we shared that comforted me, i'll remember you and the moments we shared, late into the night, mugging, clerking and being the doctors we both want to be.

I thank God for the laughter I've had and will continue to have thinking about us. How much i've gained and how much I don't want this to end. How i regret not realizing how much of this union would become during csfc or genmed so that now i feel like those times were wasted where they should have been treasured.

2011-02-12T19:46:00.003+08:00

okay i kinda thought hard about the electives

im going to taiwan! for a month or so la, so i can travel to hualien and places on my own, communicate in chinese and its cheaper than us/uk

im still going india in may, should begin my tamil lessons soon ((: HAHAHA apu!

I'm going to do a genmed elective, a paeds sip/elective with scholarly project, emedicine, 2 weeks of cardio/intmed/neuro and 3 weeks of neuro/4 weeks of paeds in taiwan((: as for short postings, i dont foresee myself liking any except emed cause they are too specialize, im just worried about OnG, im scared of liking it MAN.

I've packed my room and it has alot alot of photos of people i love

makes my day, keeps me strong

im ready to start mugging for mbbs 3(:

study plan-genmed/paeds/surg HAHA

im secretly happy to end my surgery posting

i love clerking still, but surgery is just too tiring

the 6 am mornings the late days, the prolonged standing in the OT

and I cannot take it, but i was thinking, if i am the one performing the op

and if i know everything that was going more, maybe i'll love it if i am the surgeon

since i love the hands on part so much, and i like doing all these cool stuff

but but but God may have other plans to make me give up surgery

and in this age of residency, clarity of choice may just be what i need

i've also got to spend alot of time with my CG

i really love them, and they are all special to me in their own ways (:

and i cannot imagine getting through year 4 without them

hopefully we'll get to do electives together ((:

p.s its not everyday that i fall in love, or have joy in my heart or be as excitable as a little child. Its not everyday that i feel happy just being in your proximity, or feel comfortable with our silence. Its not everyday that it rains, and its not everyday that the wind blows like this, so when it does, im tempted to just treasure the moment without second guesses or thought of consequences, and just have the chance to love without second thoughts or reservations, knowing that the reciprocation bit doesn't make this love any less of its worth, and the chance to live, knowing this heart of adrenaline will one day be too slow for anything. And so let me love, live as i please, as long as i never stray from being a good doctor, daughter, friend, sister

i wish i was still megan sometimes, and have the foresight to live those years i regret

2011-02-02T07:45:00.003+08:00

i am a simple person, with a simple mind for things,made easily happy for simplest of things.

I took some time off studying to celebrate my birthday, which trees and the cg surprised me with balloons and rooftop picnics. So simple but it really made me happy. Then yesterday, i took some time off to spend some time with sherms before she flies to vienna.

Its quite cool how she is at the very first entry of this blog, and she's come this far,we've come this far (: and we're stronger than ever, in God. I took the time to camp at her house in the rain to wait for her to get back to stayover, we hthted the night away, she woke up at 5 to fetch me to sgh, picked me from school, and came to my house, where i cooked for her, and then we took this hour long walk at west coast park, hand in hands, with the raindrops still on the trees and the afterrain smell mixed with the sea breeze, i treasured this moments so much. it really doesn't take alot to make me happy, and time and effort is way more than enough, all i can ever ask, whether or not it is in friendship or in a relationship, it has always been such. So one day, i'll have just that few friends, probably and maybe just sherms, jamie, trees, the girls, sabai, and a few good colleagues, and hopefully my life will still be as simple as long walks, heart to heart conversations, good food, picnics, sunsets, and giving and receiving freely.

Recently, there also has been many things going on in my heart and my mind, not really things i can explain. The struggle is real though, and im already pretty worn out by it. I got into WHB society and got 2 projects on my hands so the coming year will not be free but then again, i don't really have much time to boast off now either. Need to settle electives quick too, but as of now, i still do not really really know for sure what i want to do. how can people decide at 22 what they want to do for the rest of their lives, same thing about marriage or even commiting, or maybe i'm 22 trapped in a 16 year old mind, still searching, vacillating and wondering

I'm going india in june, hopefully after going through paeds or int med there i can decide for sure. And i like neuro, cardio, int med and paeds, so I'll do all of these, and maybe emedicine and then go to taiwan/nepal/india/africa omg see the things i have to decide and choose. I hate this feeling of having to choose.

its 7.50 am and I'm at sgh

the cny eve is here and imf eeling more festive than usual because the exams are gone

and the girls came over to bake pineapple tarts. i love how they lift my spirits(:

Lessons learnt recently

-sometimes you thank God for unanswered prayers, those that He chose to miss out on

-character, and fruits of the spirits must stay even in the worst of circumstances

2011-01-17T05:39:00.001+08:00

2011-01-13T00:27:00.001+08:00

sometimes people talk this way

they talk to other people

but they are trying to get message to only one person

today we did that

this is surreal and painful

2011-01-09T07:06:00.002+08:00

i havent wrote in this space for a long long time(:

india's confirmed, im leaving on the 10th of may

hope it'll be meaningful

im starting to like surgery a bit more

but i know i'll never do it

but mommy always say never say never

and so yeah...

been meeting up alot with old friends

friends from rj, crescent

its been 5 and 7 years respectively

scary how time flies

how much i've aged

how far we've come

and i thank God for friendships that last

I wonder a lot about what is love

maybe too much, and too frequently i think too much

im turning 22

and i don't want to grow up!

2010-12-28T07:57:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder why i have to try so hard for people who don't care

feels like we're mothering and fathering people sometimes, doesn't it :(

2010-12-17T21:52:00.001+08:00

i've learned that life has its way of making itself right, but that sometimes you have to make that first step

i've learned that you can cheat the whole world and they would believe but it is tragic if you start deluding yourself.

i've learned to hope for miracles for others, and then in process, learned to believe in miracles again myself

i've learned that being loved gives you strength, loving someone gives you courage, and we live for that kind of love.

i've learned that beauty is in the eye of its beholder, creator and lover, and I've seen this beauty when I loved

I've came to realize that my words and my actions carry a bigger meaning when they are done out of truth and love.

I've learned the value of one life to a family, the work in every struggling breath, the burden of every dollar

I've watched cruelty pass me by everyday, and I've wondered more than once who was I to be so lucky

I've learned that the best way to deal with criticism is only to try harder, and be better so that at the end of the day, the most important thing is that you're at least answerable to yourself.

I've understood that silence can be so beautiful, awkward and cruel at the same time

From the CG i came to love more and more each day:

I've learned that laughing, is so so important. And at the end of the road this year, I don't remember the stress or the mad mugging but I remember us laughing till we rolled and cringed and flipped and teared. I remember the stupidest things we did. i remember the food we ate, I remember i was never alone. I remember food fights, and the car squeeze. I remember us clerking our patients together, each butting in a question. I remember us exchanging knowing glances. I remember us roaming rooftops and carrying babies in the nursery. I remember us hunting down meatballs, bubble teas, frog legs, mango jelly drinks. I remember how our monopoly game went terribly wrong. Most of all, I've learned that sometimes life doesn't always give you what you want at first, but maybe if you are stuck with people,things, circumstances long enough, you might realize that it is more more more than you could ever want.

I've wondered and wandered and realize nothing I have should be taken for granted

i am heavily, and most heavily indebted

I owe much laughter to my cg, my ever ready source of joy

i owe much kindness to my patients, their hearts opened to my eager young eyes invading their privacy

i owe much patience to my teachers, mentors, seniors-their forgiveness of my stupidity

i owe much love, forgiveness to my parents, my brothers-whose heart always ached for me when I had less to sleep

i owe much mercy from God, for giving me joy joy joy in my heart, a joy i cannot explain

2010-12-16T06:23:00.000+08:00

i love them (:

2010-12-10T05:35:00.003+08:00

you know what

its 5.35am now

and im getting ready to go to school

this is like going back to rj days

days that start at 6 and end at 6

and i am at a loss for words

i just ended heaven to come to hell

paeds was awesome

genmed was awesome

fammed was wonderfully slack

and now here I am,

in this world of surgery

where I don't get to talk much to patients

where my days in the OT makes me hypothemic, hypoglycemic, hypotensive, hypoxic

and all i get to assist is to hold retractors and have an occasional stitch

half the time i reach home so battered than i fall asleep trying to read anything

and I have to sleep early for the onslaught of the next day

gosh

and I am only a student

who on EARTH sane, would want surgery

HAHA

just ramblings

on the other hand

the work i see is intricate, perfect to a fault

and the beauty of surgery

is the patient's problems are resolved

and you're a happy person as long as there is no post op complications

blah

dont take it to heart

its just me

surg is not my thing

maybe i'll change my mind

2010-12-02T15:50:00.003+08:00

love is amazing
it makes you want to be better, kinder, stronger
all for that one person
when i spoke to the mom of the small boy
(:
maybe one day
i'll rise up to be a mother like that

2010-12-01T19:00:00.000+08:00

you are my very first thought in the morning

and my last at night fall

2010-12-01T08:42:00.002+08:00

nothing

like the failure

to meet

your own

very own

expectations

but

nothing like the joy

of doing all the good you can

singing a baby to sleep when you could have done a million things

And nothing like

falling in love

realizing that everything so imperfect once

is now perfect

perfect to me

steady steady

2 more days to end of paeds

i hate leaving the kids

but maybe it'll be a good refreshing break from the madhouse mugging

I'm growing up bobo!

2010-11-27T23:23:00.002+08:00

playhouse is coming playhouse is coming!(:
i cannot wait
all these fridays training for dance
right from start to finish!(:

i thank God for NAT and ben!
they've been so strong throughout this period
india's more or less confirm!
the thing is i am into doing gen med for 2 week
and paaeds for another 2(:
but the prospect of doing OBGYN is also quite excitin
but i really dnt know la
dec is going to be really exciting
4th-playhouse
5th-meeps birthday
6th-surg starts
10th-sabai games day
11th-escape with camp simba, chiaw yee's zoo party, goshens xmas party
18th-wedding pizza party
19th-22nd-bali with the fam
23rd-candlelight service
24th-kkh christmas party and xmas party
25th-xmas party
26th-30th-work
21st-shermin's
in between probably squeeze it a few dance pracs, choir pracs and ward work

today i told God that results were impt
but im going to give it all to Him
i told Him i needed to be a good doctor
i told Him about all the unfairness there is at work
i told Him about my inability, my failure to meet my own expectations
i told Him abot the unfairness in terms of CEX, and how I envy people because they had time to do theirs and they were all prepared where I wasnt

The only message i got at the end was
dont try tolerating a person, it gets tiring
don't envy a person celebrating, it gets painful
love the person
love the person enough
love the person deeply strongly
so that you can feel the same joy
and you'll never have to tolerate
because with love, comes acceptance

2010-11-24T22:07:00.000+08:00

In the Gastro clinic
where we were playing with a kid
i needed to go a DA on a kid
and so i asked him to build a block of 9
'no auntie!' he screamed
trees gave me the wide eye look in shock
that matched my own shock and I kneeled beside him, gently asking a second time
'am i jiejie or auntie?' hoping he would see that I am only 21 and too young to be called an auntie
'BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH' haha was what came out of his mouth after that, and me and trees both got a ruder shock
now i am a bitch?!?!?!?!?!!!!
then we realized he was trying to say BRIDGE cause he wanted to build a bridge for his toy lorry instead of a tower of 9
if he had actually called me bitch i would actually have been happy with auntie!
And it ACTUALLY bothered me (what a woman I am!) because i know Kids don't lie
until I went into the wards and saw a kid with progeria like syndrome
Her body aging, as she fails to thrive, and develop normally
And i stood, watching her make loud noises for her wants, her eyes ptosed
her body ravaged by all the disease of the elderly, in a 3 year old stature
And i realized how it took me 21 long years to progress to auntie status

Trees and I also had to do a last minute CEX
we were asked to do CEX without warning
with no time to even clerk a file, trees and i only had time to pray before our cex (:
and I had to do a DA on a crying baby going cranky on me
not my contorted expressions, nor my red ball, not my bouncing, nor my cooing could stop his crying and so i think, maybe I'll get a 0 for patient communication
But there's a part of my heart that broke todaywhen i saw another boy older than me, his anterior saigattal cleft fused in the midline early (i dont know much, he's too complex)He hides his face under a cap and his nose, though there,cannot breathe in air
it is constructed from cartilage they took from his abdomen he has to take medications for all kinds of hormone replacement as his pituary gland is not functoning and his face is so dysmorphic it tears my heart, and my heart broke further when the doctor asked if he had any friends, and he said he 'had only just a few friends' in a sad voice, almost resigned voice with his face hidden partially beneath his cap.

And there I am, standing for that few brief moments after my cex, intruding into his life, and having my heart broken for this boy I didn't know, and realizing that my CEX is so so so so small and suddenly, despite initially thinking that I went through a lot of weird moments doing my CEX, i cannot figure why God decided to go so hard on him, and why I had it so easy.
Sometimes, we are actually so blessed where we don't realize it
And sometimes we think life is unfair to us and we complain all the day
and then God brings us to look at these things, these people
and we realize that life is indeed unfair but not our lives
we got the bigger share

Maybe just like the way kids have their growth charts
my heart is growing bigger for the things i now have to accept, whether or not i like it
my brain is growing bigger for the things i have to study, whether or not they are effortless to study, my eyes growing bigger to see things in nothings, and my 'doctor' dream expanding to occupy a bigger part of me, so much so that that I cannot, even through those tired teary eyes, and late nights, imagine myself doing anything, anything else in the world.
And most definitely, my pride has grown smaller in the face of the great great parents, and my heart more tender when I see the most cruel of life's circumstances attacking the most innocent of mankind.

2010-11-23T19:18:00.000+08:00

TODAY I THANK GOD

because i ran down a slope and didn't tumble

because my cg had time for a good laugh, a good lunch

i thank God for myself

my temper

my inability to get agree

my ability to let everything go

today i thank God

i thank God

and i remember that He is my world

2010-11-20T20:25:00.002+08:00

I MISS JAMIE:(

that crazy girl wants to go tokyo on her own

:S can't convince this strong willed friend despite the magnitude of my whining

but she's coming back soon! And my life will be better for it!

speaking of adventures, i think I have never been known to be adventurous. Always safe

safe in relationships, safe in life

but something in me stirred

and low and behold

I decided to go india next may for a month, work in their christian fellowship hospital, can't wait for this adventure! And i pray God will make this happen! And there's NY too, for year 4. 4 months of my time in med school. And i need to use it wisely. I might redo gen med in either SGH or TTSH where there are hopefully more varied, abundant cases, CGH kinda lacks the breath, but i have friends and tutors i like in CGH so OHWELLS darn it, we'll have to do this vacillating thing again. Then i might want to do NEUROLOGY at NNI, because neuro is just fascinating at the moment! the key word is at the moment, and i really don't how much I'll like surgeryor O&G! Mount sinai has a few stuff i like, i might try for the internal medicine or paeds subinternship or paeds neurology! BLAH, everything's a blur actually, but i love the mysterious part of it. The paths of the future and the anticipation of it sometimes makes me smile all the day

life is good

im falling in love with my cg

the way i laugh so easily with them

the way i cramp up, i tear, i lose my demeanour

i mimic their language, i love their company

and spending time with them everyday

only makes the parting harder

2010-11-10T23:16:00.002+08:00

last tutorial with one of my favourite profs(:

i always loved the kind of doctors who have seen it all

and done it all, and yet who remain so wonderfully humble

i wlill remember his head of white hair, small slightly hunched status, his soft gentle voice, explaining to the parents his need to teach

and today he said something that made my heart wrench

he told the parents in the most humble, guilty voice

that he needs to uphold his teaching duty,

and make sure he teaches us so that we can take over him when he's gone

love him

even though he love billiary atresia > any other conditions HAHA

even though his voice is so soft i can hardly hear him,

and even though he makes me feel so inadequate

i thank God for inspiration, priceless previous inspiration

love your job

love the children

and you can't go too far wrong

NUH PAEDIATRICS NOW.

and 3.5 weeks till the end of paeds

i suddenly don't want it to end

but its happening so fast

that i desperately cling on so badly

but to no avail

surgery is next

maybe i'll love it again

because my life since i started this year

have been such of acceptance and then loving

everything i have

And i surrender to God

because in everything

He knows me, more than I can ever know myself(:

2010-11-10T23:16:00.001+08:00

last tutorial with one of my favourite profs(:

i always loved the kind of doctors who have seen it all

and done it all, and yet who remain so wonderfully humble

i wlill remember his head of white hair, small slightly hunched status, his soft gentle voice, explaining to the parents his need to teach

and today he said something that made my heart wrench

he told the parents in the most humble, guilty voice

that he needs to uphold his teaching duty,

and make sure he teaches us so that we can take over him when he's gone

love him

even though he love billiary atresia > any other conditions HAHA

even though his voice is so soft i can hardly hear him,

and even though he makes me feel so inadequate

i thank God for inspiration, priceless previous inspiration

love your job

love the children

and you can't go too far wrong

NUH PAEDIATRICS NOW.

and 3.5 weeks till the end of paeds

i suddenly don't want it to end

but its happening so fast

that i desperately cling on so badly

but to no avail

surgery is next

maybe i'll love it again

because my life since i started this year

have been such of acceptance and then loving

everything i have

And i surrender to God

because in everything

He knows me, more than I can ever know myself(:

2010-11-10T23:16:00.000+08:00

last tutorial with one of my favourite profs(:

i always loved the kind of doctors who have seen it all

and done it all, and yet who remain so wonderfully humble

i wlill remember his head of white hair, small slightly hunched status, his soft gentle voice, explaining to the parents his need to teach

and today he said something that made my heart wrench

he told the parents in the most humble, guilty voice

that he needs to uphold his teaching duty,

and make sure he teaches us so that we can take over him when he's gone

love him

even though he love billiary atresia > any other conditions HAHA

even though his voice is so soft i can hardly hear him,

and even though he makes me feel so inadequate

i thank God for inspiration, priceless previous inspiration

love your job

love the children

and you can't go too far wrong

NUH PAEDIATRICS NOW.

and 3.5 weeks till the end of paeds

i suddenly don't want it to end

but its happening so fast

that i desperately cling on so badly

but to no avail

surgery is next

maybe i'll love it again

because my life since i started this year

have been such of acceptance and then loving

everything i have

And i surrender to God

because in everything

He knows me, more than I can ever know myself(:

2010-11-07T21:27:00.000+08:00

today was one of the best days i've had

because i had time with the children at CM

followed by time with my brothers and alvin

bball will always be one of my favourite games

playing with 7 guys makes it all the more challenging

but i lose my demureness once i start playing

(;

then went back to pender court

pender court where i grew up at

and words, no amount of it, can describe

how that place still fills me with emotions

that nostalgia, painful ache

i first stepped there when i was 1

then when i was 10

and then i left

now i am 21

i cannot believe i am where i am

but i think those were the best best days of my life

2010-11-06T07:49:00.000+08:00

raising me must have been tough (;

but never at any point of my life

did i feel unloved

in retrospect

i was never alone in any of my walk

my parents instinctively, and always knew, when to walk beside me

2010-11-05T22:55:00.002+08:00

those who know me, know that i love kids

communication is effortless with them

i love studying medicine too

i love everything about my life now

even the fatigue that comes with it

And i excitedly share my excitement, my thrill of studying

but when my thrill is not met with the same enthusiasm, i feel also rejected.

the chldren are great

so are the parents

paeds is one of those crazy crazy places

where people are super smart, smarter than the usual smart

many people want it, few get it

and i stand half in awe, half in doubt

hating myself for liking something this difficult

wanting something so unattainable

but you know what

even my trying moves me

my own enthusiasm, my endless strive

my humility moves me,

It gives me that last bit of pride that

allows me to pat myself on my shoulder

and i think that will be in life

we'll not always be perfect

but the journey of trying lasts an entire lifetime

and sometimes you have to reward yourself

for trying so hard along the way

its been another thoroughly burnt out week

i am at my weakest,most vulnerable and tired self

and the bugs are creeping in, so surrepticiously,

chldren coughing in my face, and within 15cm of my locus

have brought me immense joy, and along with it, i accept the rhinorrhea, the cough, the runny tummy

i also played bball on a thursday night

with my brothers, whom i love so very much

my brother piggybacked me home that night cause i had blisters

never felt my pride swelling this much for him

There are a few things in life i love

i love people

i love children

i love my family

i love rainy morning

i love nights spent sweating out

i love sunsets on an azure blue sky

i love wind

I used to think God is in the wind

when i was a kid, and everytime i felt a wind

i tried to hear what it was telling me,

think it was a pocohantas thing

but this same wind, which blows into my face

many years later, brings me to tears

and my heart is filled wth a knowledge

i have always known,

God loves me

2010-11-03T01:24:00.001+08:00

had my mini cex assessment by dr d.lim (:

elaine's right, he's very charming,

but i was literally grilled on hot seat

omggxx

a very simple case

but after surg + neonate tutorial

and chldren's emergency call and full day yest i truly felt damn tired and i think he sensed it too!(: i need to present better, prioritize my aims better, take time to listen for signs, and he was quite nice in the end la, even though i was quite freakedout by the entire thing!

FOCUSSED HISTORY FTW!

and im beginning to love paeds more and more

more than gen med but

cardiology is stll my thing!

the heart where all blood runs from

2010-11-01T00:27:00.000+08:00

God is in the wind, the rain, the stars, the night, the sun, the days, the moments, and most all of, God is always in every event of a blessing, every moment of trial

And my youngest brother, one of the 4 men i love in my life (: is going forhis A's, he is my blessing, he's going through a trial ahead, but God is going to get him through

love him so much, so so so much

2010-10-26T22:49:00.003+08:00

never thought i'll say this
but i love love paeds
though im tossed in my bones
and my body screams at me
and i take naps at 10 pm to go on until 2am
and its a never ending cycle
people think i am a mugger
they dont know how fascinated the words in the book make me
i am a mugger (: and if i am not one, i'll be doing so much wrong to my patients
and my life is quite sad really, to most people
but i love the beauty of my work,
the mad struggles
the simple daily pleasures
of carrying a small life in my hands
speaking to someone who i know cannot hear but who can feel
and wanting so much to guard life,
that it makes me cherish life
and to have been able to watch life at its most beginning
I truly thank God that I have come thus far (:

2010-10-19T16:43:00.000+08:00

i used to dream of little things that i hope to add into parts of my future

i had a wonderful picture of the guy i would like, how i imagine he would be as cool as me, we'll cycle and jog together the evenings, we'll make meals together, and how we'll walk through sunsets at the end of every day, and watch every sunset knowing how blessed we are, really to be in love. I also imagined that he would love me alot, and in his presence i would love being myself knowing i was adored for being simply who I am, i also hope he would be my constant, my eternity, that he will always love God enough to choose the right things, i hope we'll have time to sleep in when it rains, watch silly movies on the weekend, i dreamed we would travel to places with snow, i dreamed such a wonderful dream of my future

that i know this man doesn't exist

and the thing about watching sunset everyday doesn't too. I only get to watch the moon, neither doese sleeping in work anymore, nor having time to cycle and do stupid things, and it was my choice anyway.

but in all essence,

i still would hope that he would love God enough

so that in my worst days, he can pull through to love me

and that i think, makes up for everything

sometimes i look alot at the moon

sometimes i stand in awe and my mouth is shut

and my heart is filled with a certain wonder

that maybe, he who God has found for me

is looking at that same moon with the same awe (:

i live on adrenaline

2010-10-17T00:10:00.000+08:00

I live on adrenaline. That was the only way you could coerce your body into doing more than it was physically capable of. That was the only way you didn't feel the muscles that tear from running too much or the fatigue from studying until you actually wean off it

and so today was saturday

and i woke up later than usual

but ever so tired

8 weeks of paeds

my goodnesss

loving with an obligation

2010-10-15T08:08:00.002+08:00

part of me isn't ready to commit into any relationship. soweee
because maybe the honest truth is, i dont even know how to love myself
how on earth do i believe someone may actually love me,
and if i can't even trust myself to love me, how do i trust myself to love someone

i love people in a basic way
non romantic always platonic
always with the background that i HAVE to love
because my job requires that, and my God commands that

but maybe when it comes to romantic love
i am still a complete hopeless, afterall i spent 5 years of my life liking one guy
and maybe i am looking for that kind of love i once developed for him
that kind that is stronger in silence, more powerful in actions
that kind that consumes you, and makes you want to live for him
but in those days, i didn't feel so much for my vocation so it was okay to do so much for him
but now, medicine is my life , 90% of my friends are from there
when we meet, we inevitably talk about it, even in the nice surroundings and when we're having brunch
quite sad to think about how my social life is wonderfully eradicated sometimes and these days
i cannot really go for cell nowadays, but its expanding so fast the cell that even if i stop going, there'll be way more than enough people to participate, besides most of the time, i feel like im just going for the sake of going, and i always come back half confused. ;(
and I have to think and consider so long to go out for a drink
but i love it, in my subconscious mind, i love it
i love it that medicine is my life
i love that i like what i study and i LOOK FORWARD to studying

but i thank God that my two best friends are both not from medicine
and i can seek some good solace in time on days where i just feel so bombarded from what can go wrong with the damn body

2010-10-14T20:44:00.002+08:00

where's the joy i had in fammed that i cant seem to find in paeds
its so tiring everyday the studying
why are kids so complex
someone once said i live on adrenaline
i overwork, i overrun, i overdo things
i live on with excitement and motivation of tmr
that i ignore signals from my body to rest today
but so suddenly, my heart's really heavy with fatigue
and i feel so inadequate in the presence of this bawling kids :(

2010-10-09T08:52:00.002+08:00

popo's birthday yest (:

love my cousins, love my family

someone told me yesterday that apart from learning to be strong all the time, i need to learn to be weak.

i need to learn to depend on others.

exams were over yesterday

it was okayy and the lunch with the cg was grrreat

they always make me laugh and cheer me up and i kinda love our dynamics so i don't want to change next year, and so i also thank God cause it is really really a gift to have people you like around you, people you can accept. then again, i kinda quite like to accept everybody because everyone kinda amuses me. I never grew up from that stage (:

been running alot. did a 10km + swam 10 laps on thursday and danced on friday and today's saturday, so more running and swimming. Dancing in a tube is scary and i need some discipline to build the abs. '

But its a trend i find in myself. i run most when I am sad. I ran 10 km because i couldn't stop. I couldn't stop because?

I don't really know

nor do I want to explore what I am truly feeling inside from my friend's death

i know I am supposed to be quite steely against death, because i have seen it too many times

but no, not yet.

This heart flops up big time :(

2010-10-06T20:10:00.002+08:00

and despite not wanting to face it

i have grown up and gone are my tree climbing, knee skinning, ball playing days

i cannot spare time for travelling

i cannot space time for games

i run in the gym, bored to tears for exercise

i eat, bathe, sleep

but wen i look at just ONE patient

one patient

i know mylife

s worth all this other shit

i have to bear with

and Lord, dear Lord,

don'tlet me lose this reason

2010-10-05T12:57:00.002+08:00

it broke my heart, for reasons which i cannot figure
when i saw MM lee on the news walking towards his wife's coffin
transference of his grief
a glimpse of a silent strong love of 63 years (:
unchanging through the biggest changes of spore
steadfast, withstanding, all encompassing

i wonder if love like that still exists in this world for me
but i hold out in hope
still hoping because
im still seeing love
that lifts me up like that (:

2010-10-04T10:47:00.002+08:00

And the wife of my idol dies
she is an idol in her own right
her values, her steadfastness, her quiet but ever so strong presence behind her man
and it is a true lesson in itself for me
no matter how much medicine means to me
and how i want to devote my time to it in future
in the end, when the sun sets and its time to go
people remember you for the amount of love you've given to other people
the children you've raised, the husband you've supported
and although we say so much about gender equality,
i think the primary and most important reason why a woman should be the homemaker (even with a job)
is probably just because we're all naturals at it
the way she, a high mighty lawyer, brilliant in her mind, was

2010-09-30T14:41:00.001+08:00

best heart
<3

thankyou for making me see beauty in myself
in the days when morale hits low andyou remind me of how wonderful i am in your eyes

2010-09-14T19:30:00.001+08:00

Marriage hath in it less of beauty but more of safety, than the single life; it hath more care, but less danger, it is more merry, and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows, and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strengths of love and charity, and those burdens are delightful.

Bishop Jeremy Taylor

2010-09-11T22:55:00.002+08:00

Other than financial comfort
i've realized i've struggled in so many areas in life just to smile
i struggled through days when i as too imperfect to be n this world
i sturggled through days i was too tired to balance everyting
i struggled through ridicule even
And i have this part of that allows myself to pretend everythng's okay,
but when i realize how much of an escapist I am
when i realize how much of a failure I can be,
my inabilty scares me to the point that i cry
i cry these tears that shouldn't come
i cry more when im alone
i try everyday to smile for people around me
and there's a part of me that is shivering from all that crying
and i still dont know what i can do

:(

and this blog whch no one even reads anymore
is the only place

2010-09-10T08:41:00.000+08:00

MY POPO SO CUTE

end of polyclinic posting (:

feels very very short

but it was a worthwhile experience

i feel the strong foundations of the singapore health care (:

like the marina bay sends, everyone notices the glamouros roof top gardens, and the infinity pool and what not-, and i guess thats what works in healthczare too, the most successful operations, the newest technologies always take up the headlines and has everyone's attention, ut the polyclinic feels like the firm, steadfast base of the a building, so unnoticeable, yet so so essential (;

going out with my choir girls today

its been pretty long since we had any decent meetups!(:

thenits back to SACH next week, finally back to hospital life where i can scoot back in 5 mins to cgh to look for weeming for tutrials and to clerk patients1(:

i love cardio and resp and neuro ALOT (: so nextweek i'll try to cover gastro and find back the passion i had for it while i was at ward 49! (:

gooo crys

goooooo crys

gooooooooooooooooooooooo crys

2010-09-08T01:08:00.001+08:00

i struggle all my life to love myself

because in loving myself

i hope i will be more of myself

this person that God made wonderfully

i hope i'll never be ashamed of my efforts

or my mistakes, nor will my heart change or the world

fam med is almost over

gen med was great

paediatrics is next

research proj with 5 years straight dean's lister prof

then surgery at sgh

i need to have more control of who I am

my emotions which may be unprofessional to some

my words, which sometimes cometoo quickly from the mind and heart, and mos of all, this spirit of sell control to replace fear, and the feeling of inabiliy to control my own self

For God hath not given you a spirit of fear, but of love, power and SELF control

2010-07-20T23:32:00.002+08:00

Suddenly you realize
you live in a world of grown ups
but you're the kid
and you are overwhelmed by what you see
scared of what you know
because for your entire span of life
you've always believed that everyone wants to be your friend
everyone is easy to please
and you grow up through little quarrels and big arguments
to realize, this day that silence is truly the worst kind of treatment
and ignorance/nonchalance is far more painful than aggression

and this day i realize
people let go of relationships far more easily
professional relationships, superficial as they are
are the 'IN' thing
and i, on my part
want to keep something going forever
every friend is friend forever
that it hurts me
when i realize
i am the only one clapping
towards a friendship that'll last forever

maybe papa was right all along
people come and people go
those who stay, cherish
those who have to go, let go

2010-07-17T07:49:00.000+08:00

guard your heart against fatigue, against treating this as a mundane routine
guard your heart against treating patient as a one of a kind thing
guard your heart from being so used to death that it no longer feels a thing
guard your heart against treating your job as just a job, and the patients as means to end
guard your heart against being void, guard your soul from being tired, guard your eyes from being blind
guard yourself, in a profession when you see so many deaths, pain, suffering, sadness, betrayals, abandonment, suicides, against change of heart

and always be so thankful
because God has ordained you into somewhere
where you can do something for the weakest

<3

2010-07-16T21:34:00.001+08:00

虽然将天天看到生老病死
有时候真的要懂得放下
但是不要对这一切无动于衷
保留一颗不忍心的心

2010-07-13T23:53:00.002+08:00

guard yourself against pride and complacency as you know more
guard yourself against losing emotions for death or suffering or pain as you see more
guard yourself against putting yourself above others, guard yourself against selfishnesses
guard yourself from burning out, guard yourself from the temptation to give up
guard yourself against superficial relationships

but most of all

guard yourself
from losing
the very reason
which first brought you thus far

2010-07-09T23:51:00.001+08:00

now that our days are mostly spent in the wardsand we're left with almost no social life during weekdays at leastthere's no big outings/events as such, but i've been feeling incredibly happyits really very very very oddbut its happiness that i myself cannot even explain to myselfits like having butterflies in your tumtum whenever you learn something newits like wanting to jump all around, and telling everyone the things you learnedand like triggering all trigger points in your brain, making it restlss for answersits like going on a roller coaster ride, not really knowing whats ahead, but fully anticipating it

but most of all, this joy comes from a grateful heart, grateful for every outpouing of kindness and understanding from the patients,thankful for every trust put into my inexperienced hands and every minute of time given to my sometimes slow broken history taking.

2010-07-07T23:23:00.002+08:00

i really am thankful
for patients
who are sick
but who try really hard to tell me their history
and who let me examine them,
who lets me do catherization, venipuncture, and PR and what not
knowing fully i'm a green horn in this new world
and some of them, take it upon themselves that
their sickness is a chance for them to help us in our learning,
and that, movces me

(:

250610 my first real venipuncture
300610 my first real PR
060710 my first real cathetherization

(:

thankyou
for trusting me
with my firsts

2010-06-27T08:17:00.003+08:00

This week of ward rounds taught me alot more than csfc did that it is almost mind blowing and heart stopping. Wards rounds are so much more than what books describe.So much more about management, what drug to give, what drug not to give, and so much thoughts go into discharging a patient-social issues, family issues, fall risks, suicide risks, even the loss of a person's i/c. The ward is a place of so many facets of so many different things you learn. Prescribing drugs goes all the way to checking the patient's kidney function, convenience for an elderly patients om vs bd, side effects, drug interactions, body tolerance of drugs with multi disease management, and even for deciding if someone gets to be resuscitated based on premorbid state,family support present, and medical futility. And all these ethical issues we learn in school suddenly come in, what is the most ethical thing to do, what more can be done, whose opinions matter, and then after all your great ideals of saving every life, you realize that not all lives out there were meant for you to save and sometimes, you need to let go. Withholding information, DNR calls and referring palliative care always sends butterflies to my stomach, and although my young quick impulsive mind still hands on to these ideals of resuscitating every patient, and trying to turn every terminal case into a curable one, i know now there's sometimes nothing to do, and sometimes, the highest call of this job is not so much to heal but to listen, and in the best intentions for the patient, care for him, care for his family, care for his comfort, his welfare and pay attention to his concerns.

blah this space is all going to be about work most of these days
because to be very very honest
my day starts at 530, i bathe and leave the house by 615 so that i reach changi hospital by 730
i pray that some of the patients will be awake and cheery enough to talk to me and examine them and at 830 i follow my consultant/registrar on ward rounds, trying very very hard to catch everything they say,things i know and things i will have to find out later to know, and all the short forms, ARU, ITU, EOD are seriously irritating, but everytime they take time off to show me a sign, or when they pass me xrays/ecgs to read, i'm always super excited (: i'm learning the way i first learned english/maths, its really a whole new world out there to learn, The ward rounds finish by 1130 and sometimes i get to take blood/insert iv lines, but sometimes i have tutorials and its a mad rush to another ward. My tutorial is usually like a firing session where my tutor is the firer, the questions are the bomb, and i'm the victim, so i try very hard to read the night before so i don't die too badly. Anyhow, if we're lucky we get a full hour for lunch (: and thats when 7 of us talk about our days, share our crazy adrenaline wardrounds, and have a good relaxing laugh, but that's it. After that, we have another tutorial, and then we end the day by clerking and doing our own ward rounds. We end at 530-6pm and i take the long peak hour train ride home, still glad that i'm in singapore and even though my house is at the other end of the country, the train ride is less than an hour. I try to read on the train, but usually i fall asleep, standing. When i reach home, i am a hungry beast and i devour my dinner quickly and turn on the computer and start wiking for all my new knowledge and prepare for the week's/nextday's lesson. I try to stay up till 12, but at 11, the book's usually on my head and i'm asleep.

This is my day
the futures going to be worst
but this is the only place in my life all these years
that i truly feel happy studying

and i thank God for that

2010-06-19T10:01:00.002+08:00

ohwheee
i am an M3 woohoo
off to the third year in medicine
scary real scary how time flies
but i thank God for the last two years
i've made 100-200 friends and they will be an anchor and pillor in the TRAUMATIC timesto come
traumatic because everyrthing seems more impt now
and boohoo, i have to travel to changi for the next 8 weeks for my med posting
God bless me

but i have a grand plan
but i'll only say it when its all done

and i'm going bkk on 6th august! (:
ahhhhh
ftw

and playhouse dance

think these are going to be my only highlights of the year!

2010-06-04T07:47:00.001+08:00

2010-05-21T08:32:00.002+08:00

the last two days have been reaaaally fun

i went for badminton on wed morning

i miss the mpsh

i guess it will always be special to me

because it filled with so much memories

memories of so many different emotions

memroies of real solid hardwork

that is the place i took 5cas, 5 pros papers, and everytime i got there before the paper, i would sit and wait for nat/trees and then we'll all talk about what wedid during the study break instead of actually studying, and then there's always MCF, praying together before a paper (:

but mostly, there was rag. rag was one of my favourite moments in life and i will always be thankful for it

there's also the random badminton sessions that our og loves, and which helped us bond so it was greattt too. And then IFGS.

now that we're moving on to clinical years, i kinda really miss nus, and student life but i know i wont miss the mugging because clinical years will be so much betterfor learning.

wheee i wanna go zong's house to see tarzan soon!(:

i also went iceskating and steamboating and hthting that wednesday

somehow these girls are all happily attached and i realized their joy makes me want to find someone

but thenagain, its wanting to be attached that i love, and there's no one out there that i love enough

to give up singlehood, which is the best option for me now anyway

then on thurs i drove to ecp with jam

and we had macs brekkie and then we went for lunch at quinnooos

then i went to pick my mom and we had a motherdaughterouting at crystal jade

then she made me go for an interview at bakerzin

and i got the job!

BUT

nolah

dont think i will take it

i need to recharge int he next 2.5 weeks

camp simba cominggg up!(:

results too

PRAYYYY

2010-05-19T08:22:00.002+08:00

watched the last song with joseph and joyce yest before giving all of them a ride to somewhere along the way

oneof the most chaotic driving expeiences with one million inputs in my head

but fun (:

i love watching movies if you dont already know

because i think there's always a lesson to learn

the last song is about many things

about giving yourself and the people around you a chance at life and love

about realizing your God given talents and being drawn back to the centre of your calling again and again

its about youth and the silly mistakes we make then, and regretting them is so so inevitable

but mostly, its about family, and how it remain so irreplacable, unc hangable, unforsakable

i didnt get the romance so much but i did feel the love

the love between the father and daughter far outshines the love between will and ronnie

they always say a special relationships exists between mothers and daughters

and i would agree completely that my mother reads my thoughts well and knows my intention where my dad doesn't

she knows all the thoughts that would occupy a 21 year old's mind

but my dad loves me really really really alot

and he would do many many many things forme

and i would for him too

2010-05-18T00:38:00.002+08:00

chionging a random drama, spending hours dancing, doing silly artwork

and watch the hours pasttt me by

but i dont think i can take >1 day of this!

2010-05-16T16:03:00.002+08:00

what a great great week of fun (:

monday started out with shopping wth amelia for ben's and mayank's present and then going for their parties at two cool places i've never been to. One is bottle tree park at yishun and the other is timbre at oldschool (: soooo fun

then there was kboxing shopping htht-ing, pseudo jobhunting, pampering thyself with new buys, manicure, and a haircut.

and finally the awesome weekend to top it all off (: ipman with my family and cell group which was brought to a whole new level

we took daryl's car for the first time and its so funny watching 3 new drivers direct an even newer driver (:then we ate at some funny restaurant called tampopo funnny eh the name! then we went for a long long walk at clarke quay, camwhoring and pretending to photoshoot around the night sights and tunnels which i have never in my life been to. We also went to the arts house to catch josh's movie screeening woohoo so proud of him when they announced him as the director but of course, not being very artistic, the hiphop rap thing was kinda >funny rather than it was truly appreciated. ohwells at least it got us crazy for quite a long time: the bbbbbb-ullet in my bbbbbb-rain. then i met my primary school friends who were havving their gathering for a while before joining my cell. They decided to come all the way to west coast macs to eat ice cream suppper and we HTHT till almost 1am! good stuff, really good stuff. And then there's today. woke up early to eat hot cakes with joseph and sherms and sherms came to pick me up! i love being pampered! (: went for children's ministry, i love talking to children, i think they bring out in me a side that maternally caring, listening, alwaysready to help and i like myself when im with them. paedatrics? HAHA or retire early to be a mother of 10. (: lifechoirces one too many.

i admit that these days, there's so muchemotional rollercoaster but if there's something to take away

i guess its the fact that only something God driven, will succeed! (:

so sometimes i guess

its do nothing and wait

monday: date with trees/collect dress/runnnnn

tues: movieee date w. joyce/dance

wed: some concert+pulau ubin cycling(pray my mom lets me)+steamboat

thurs; nothing yet

friday: HTHT with the alpha girls

've been meaning to squeeze some tuittion, studying and munus tranings in between!

wellas

time to sleep

sleep debt's unpaid for wayyy tooo longgg

2010-05-15T07:40:00.000+08:00

happiness is having a family like mine
a family that laughs together at things that are not even that funny to someone else

happiness is waking up every morning knowing that nothing's gonna happen today that God cannot handle for me

happiness is having a job that allows you to bless people daily in your capacity, a job that you love so that no matter how tired you are, you will never feel miserable enough to quit

but mostly

happiness comes from loving yourself, being comforable with yourself, knowing who you are

so that you can live life
FULLY

2010-05-14T20:28:00.002+08:00

i cut my hair
yay
its shorter than sec 4 haha
so much more cooling
sg weather is like horrible horrible
i feel like just shaving off my hair and staying in my room with my aircon on all day

exercising is so tiring also
cause its so hot
okay enough of the hot weather

trying to rest alot more this hols
i think the drug is really full of crappy side effects
aching all over sometimes, nausea and all
but i thank God its just this
it could be more, but its just this
It is afterall a chemotherapeutic kind of drug

I realized
i am the kind of person who loves doing things for no reason at all (:
who doesn't like competition
who yet likes being praised
who hates dissapointing people
who will avoid conflict at all costs
who learns things fast
who yet cannot learn directions to save herself
who is struggling most of the time
who is loved all the time
this is me
i think i have to love myself more

.
.
.
.
SO THAT I CAN LOVE OTHERS BETTER(:

2010-05-11T23:09:00.001+08:00

school'sout and im kinda aimless
after studying for so much
but well,im not scooting off anywhere tooo
so im stuck in sg, probably gonna play as hard right here,save and earn some good money for aussie/elective next year and next next year and go do a research project. im kinda interested in cardiology and respi from year I and II (: there's munus and camp simba coming up too so trainings will prrrrob start soon!

but mostly
i need a good rest
a time to isolate myself from the worldabit
to lie about, read a good book, take a longlong jog and experience the peace of having nothing on my mind

i read a line today thats really encouraging
it says there's something about my character that blossoms when pushed to its limits (: so thank God for traisl

its been a hell of a rough time that i dont know how i got through
but i dont have a reason to be angry with God and i'll never own that reason
but i thank God that its april, and i had tospend so much time in the wards that i had less time to brood
and i thank God for the peace that exceeds all understanding
and a love too amazng for words

the more i learn
the mor i love
the more my heart cantget enough
--> kinda describes me and med now (:
this is what having no boyfriend does to you
but for the first time in a long time,
i think being single is as of now, still a blessing

and God, in His time
will do all wonders!

2010-05-08T22:41:00.002+08:00

its the endof year 2 (: hello year3

hooppefully i'll get posted back to tantockseng for gen med posting

its a crazy week ahead

but mostly im going to train abit for munus

children's campp and ben's mayank's tree's charm's ron's birthday!(:

and the rest of the time i'll probably read tally's cause im not ready to take a break yet

<3>

2010-05-07T21:26:00.002+08:00

last day at ttsh
i am actually sad to end school
for the first time in my life
such a nerd
such a sad sad nerd
anyway the paper's tmr
pray for me please
(:

but i think i've learned far more than exams can test in the last month
i've learned that kindness and compassion is the best thing we can give
that we have no 'life', but we have an existence, a purpose far greater than ourselves
i've learned that humility is something you should keep all the way till when you're way high up
i've learned that death is not for me to control
but relieving pain and giving peace is something i can try my best, very very hard dong
i've learned than suffering is not for me to understand
and some things need to be questioned

(:

<3>
im quite happy that im growing up
i dont cry so much anymore at little things
my heart aches for better reaons
my mind is able to differentiate, prioritize and reason
but mostly

im glad im no longer no.1 in my own life

2010-05-06T18:57:00.002+08:00

Everyday at ttsh i learn something new
its always wonderful nnoo matter how tired i am the end of theday
i cannot explain the joy in my heart or sometimes the grieve, the unexplained surge of emotions
but these emotions are real

today prof low bought us tea again
yeah the consultantpro who asked us out for tea
just to teach us some lessons on life
lessons which i'll come to appreciate in good time i know

be proactive and know what you want
chase opportunities ceaselessly
prioritize (:

the three highly effective habits
i love prof low's humility
i think that its such a virtue to have
it draws people toyou

kindness, sincerity and humilty
is so so so very important

celebrated trees's birthday today
mad mad rush but
we made a bang! literally! what with all the ballooon bursting

and tutorial with doctor mervyn koh
he's really inspiring
(:

last day at ttsh tmr (;
but im beginning to love the hospital so much that
i dont really care for a holiday

2010-05-06T18:38:00.001+08:00

will i ever grow to be someone i hate?

LOKUN LOKUN!(:

2010-05-02T08:10:00.002+08:00

i thank God that

even though He put dreams of being a doctor in my heart

and paved the way to it, made me a patient myself so that

i'll always stay close to the hearts of patients but mostly,

i give thanks for trees, because she's really a pillar

i've been wondering for so long since i evtered med school

why did i choose to become a doctor

what felt so right before the start of med school kinda went away

why did i choose a profession thats so close to pain, a profession that has to go through so much loss when it aches me to see even an injured bird on the carpark floor. why did i choose a profession where i have to face so much helplessness, where my ability fails the circumstances of life, where i have to constantly ask God 'why are they so many people suffering'

but i realize in the last few days

that i wanted to become a doctor

perhaps so i can always feel enough pain in life to try harder in life

perhaps so that i can always feel blessed enough to take joy in the small things in life

perhaps so that in life, i'll stop asking God about my own circumstances

perhaps so that i'll come to know the faith hope love that God wants me to have in my heart always

2010-04-30T09:16:00.003+08:00

in the end
i hope my life would me worthwhile
that everyday, i made someone smile
that i could always sing songs from my heart
and everyone loves me too much to care if i fart
that i'll leave this world making it a better place
when life passes too fast like a rat race
i hope i'll always remember your face
and the trials we had wouldnt be a waste
for our days of joy i'll always chase
and if you ever realize you're all alone
remember Your heavenly father on the throne
'hey dear child you no longer have to roam'
it is today im calling you home

(:

2010-04-26T21:11:00.001+08:00

its these times
whereim going through a living hell
that i see my livng God

(:

HOW GREAT THOU ART
HOW GREAT THOU ART

2010-04-21T21:18:00.002+08:00

God is an amazing worker
He has all his steps for me mapped out
putting me so close so close to the pan of others
allowing me to shed tears for others
so that i'll have less to shed for my own circumstances
so that i can forget my own pain

And He the great physician will slowly heal me in His time
and when i finally receive this healing that i've expected all along by faith
i know my heart will be filled with a joy so deep i cannot forget
and my life will no longer be the same anymore (:

terese has been such a good cg mate
and we've been having quite a learning experience

2010-04-18T19:22:00.002+08:00

there's only two things to do now
have faith and expect that miracle

new week ahead
i hold on to You (:
because i love You
because everyday is filled with Your miracles
because You're the king of every storm
and i can count on You for my hiding place and my safe refuge

Lord
open my heart to the things unseen
help me help me be like You

because Your love alone
Your grace alone
is sufficient for anybody out there

i havent said this in a while
but i love You Lord (:

2010-04-17T10:34:00.001+08:00

WHAT A TRULY TIRING WEEK (:

i am a young medical student who gets to go into the wards to be as close to patients as i can ever be,

i have my ideals of treating every one of them with respect and care that i hope my parents will one day receive as well

i hope i don't ever lose that

I think what strikes me most is the responsibility doctors have on their shoulders that makesme want to work harder, study harder and learn more and its good effect

Feeling tired is okay(: feeling miserable is a choice

and i really don't ever want to feel miserable about being a doctor because it is now almost everything worthwhile and important in my life

but of course i really miss my schooling days

my medicine friends

my days of pure real fun

but i also know that we have to grow up

but i'll still be playing badminton, having fun with them

think we can still have fun!

and I realized that

giving serving and loving someone

feels indeed better than receiving, being served and being loved

and i will joining chldren's ministry soon and camp simba etc etc (:

to keep myself being

to remind myself that there's a world out there bigger than myself, and there's a purpose far greater than myself. Time passes faster when you're happy anyway

and im also going to start giving tuition to my brother

and some other people

cause i needd money!

2010-04-15T18:33:00.002+08:00

hello world
csfc day 4 has been really tiring
its really testing my limits
but i thank God that i can finally apply what i've learnt in the last two years
but most importantly most most importantly
i can apply what i've been learning for life
how to treat people right

the doctor's right
you just have to imagine the patient is your mother
your best friend, your boyfriend, your brother
and you'l become a better doctor because that's exactly how you would wish for your own parent/family to be treated

being a doctor is life changing
not just because you practically sell your life away to the crazy hours
or that your legs are just too numb from standing all day
but becase you're so close to fragility and pain and suffering
so close to people who really need your kindness
so close so really close

little things make a world of difference
a smile for everyone along the way
words of concern kindness
hugs
intentions
beauty of trying
even when we fail

(;

Jesus
You are King over my storm
and i'll be still
because You are God!

2010-04-14T23:33:00.002+08:00

it's so overwhelming going into the wards
really tiring, overwhelming but full of meaning
i begin to see the meaning in my 2 years of study
and i guess it will all be worth it

(:

and i thin thats the lesson God has been wanting to learn
some things are worth it
the time, the pain, the suffering
and all these years of your life
that you spend in trials are not useless

Lord,
just make it bearable with You (:
i need to see this daylight
and remind me oh Lord
that nothing will happen tommorrow
that you and I cannot handle together
Amen

2010-04-12T22:04:00.002+08:00

Dear dear Lord
i'm sorry for being so fearful
so timid
so weak
so so paranoid
help me hold on tight to You
and fix my eyes on You
help me help me oh Lord
do not forsake me
do not leave me alone
do not shun away from my pain
do not be deaf to my prayers or the cries that only you can see

Amen

2010-04-12T19:06:00.000+08:00

today is the first day at TTSH and it really feels like the first day at school. I'm beginning to feel the weight of being a doctor on my shoulders, so much commitment,so much to learn, to much to protect, so much to go through but I believe i will rise up to it. I know i will!(:

off to read up for tmr

it's gonna be a long day

and tmr begins a new journey

that i will wholly commit to the Lord

it will be His glory,my only pride left would be in Him

and humility is such a wonderful virtue to have

so much to learn <3

i kinda like my new cg though i dont know half of them!

haha whats the chance of that right since i know quitealot of the m2 batch, but God as always has His surprises, and i know He'll send rainbows in the storm!(:

2010-04-11T08:32:00.000+08:00

2010-04-11T08:29:00.000+08:00

2010-04-11T08:27:00.000+08:00

2010-04-11T08:26:00.000+08:00

2010-04-11T08:07:00.002+08:00

my finals are over (:

but ohwells its ttsh for an entire month 9-6pm (:

tell me how on earth do i survive

its like going back to rj everday

and working at toapayoh

the stress of which was greater

something happened to a friend of mine

maybe just an aquaintance

but i am still affected by it

and deeply saddened

hope he pulls through

we're all praying

Just wondering about the futility and fragility of our being

how easy is it to lose everything

how easy is it for things to change

so i think i never felt this so strongly before

but i want to be a better person

i mean i'm not a bad person

but i could be better

i could always have kind words to say

i could always look upon people with less judgement

i could always smile for them, laugh with them

and this kindness would live on in their hearts

and it will never be lost

the desire of a man is indeed his kindness

feels like im closer to being a doctor

putting my heart out there

for more tragedies to break it

but its good,

i always believed its good that your heart can still be broken

and your tears can still flow for people

because i think only then

can we be driven by a new level of motivation

to heal, to protect, to make better and to be the person God wants us to be

i hope i learn to love Him more

so that i would naturally want to be like Him

so that this world would be better

Lord

You have sustained me throughout

give ears to my words, Father

because my heart's brimming with hope

for You've sent an angel into my life

surely surely she must be your angel

because i'm really waiting in the stillness

waiting forYour plans

Amen

i'm going to miss my m2 friends

these two years of playhouse, ifgs, munus, ragging, tutorials, clinicals have brought me so many new friends, many of whom are a big part of my life ((:

will treasure this friendships for a long time to come

cause we're all this same road that'sreally difficult to walk at times

and in the uneveness of it, the darkness of it

its always good to have a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on and a ear to listen, a mind to understand, but mostly, a heart to love

thank You God

these trials

such mercy

such grace

i'm learning

take me on Your wings will You?

2010-04-03T22:11:00.001+08:00

There's an enormous strength a person can gather from being loved (:especially she's at her weakest, and its not only studies bothering her

so i thank you for being kind to me todayfor knowing what i'm going throughfor not judging me in times like thesefor caring and spending money on me so freelyfor giving me simple pleasures like allowing me to drive and having to take a cab yourself to workfor checking on me every now and then, bring food and fruits and water for loving me more in the times I hate myselffor really really seeing the tears that i do not shed in front of youfor knowing the worries I never voice outfor taking me as I amfor only wanting better for me
and I thank you God for giving me a family like this

2010-03-28T10:19:00.000+08:00

In these most difficult momentsi rejoice in trials i rejoice in sufferings i rejoice in my brokenness i rejoice when im too tired to go on i rejoice in changes i rejoice in my weaknessi rejoice in my stumblesi rejoice in my inability i rejoice in my emotions-the sad, regretful and painful ones

i rejoice when i stand imperfect in front of You
because i know

that when i fall, You pick upwhen i am empty, You fill my cupthat it is in my weakness that Your power in made perfectand it is when im suffering, in pain, and no longer able to go on that I see Your footprints in the sand, and not my own because You're carrying me through itand it is in moments like these, when im brought down to my knees that You are the closest to me
I don't know what the future holds but i know Who holds the future

2010-03-18T22:31:00.002+08:00

back to these down and out days :(

im really tired
but im going to try my hardest
do everything i can
my 2 months worth of dateline :(
deadlinedateline (:

arghhhh
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2010-02-27T22:46:00.002+08:00

:(
i guess i should thank God
that sometimes
these down and out and low moments doesn't happen everyday
and although they come more often now than they used to, and im wondering why
i guess the peace of knowing who God is still makes me (:

maybe its entering medicine
and having a greater burden on my shoulders
having to face greater judgement
having to face people who are so outstanding everyday that's making it so tiring
or is it the judgement i impose on myself thats really tiring me out

this life will soon pass
and i'm caught up in so many questions
in a hurry to find out,
yet unwilling to fast forward little moments in my life that i love
then at the end of those little moemnts, i feel empty again

why do i feel so painfully inferior?

2010-02-22T09:39:00.002+08:00

why am i upset over things i cannot control
the hearts of people
the minds of people
even my own body
even my own ways

why am i upset over things i cannot change
things that were sent m way
without my consent
without my choice

As i see my life drift pass me
and my heart aches for the pain of people i cannot control
and my mind ponders on thoughts that revolve around the same thing
the depression is real

and i really want to just hide under God's wings
and away from the world i need to be for a while

and maybe then
i'll find that smile
that kind of smile that really comes from the heart (:

2010-02-15T22:58:00.002+08:00

sometimes when life is difficultand people don't understand where your pain is coming fromyou just have to grit your teeth and walk on because there just isn't other way

and in these days of depression
negative thoughts and total loss of selfworth
I'm doing everything there is
and yet im left so helpless, strugging to keep my tears instruggling to keep my heart from sinking

why do i have to pretend to be someone pretend to be happy, to go on with life as if nothing is wrong
when the reality is thati have lost faith and hope and strength to go onand thats the scariest part

why must it be me? :(

This blog is getting a little depressing
the truth is
i write best when im sad
when im happy i actually dont have time to be emo and log in at all

the happy thing of the week is clearing ca and driving
cny is soooo tiring as usual
vday is totally overshadowed (:

and life goes on from here
heal me,Lord
only You can.
ONLY YOU

2010-02-07T20:57:00.002+08:00

i like to blog about emotional sad times :(
today's one of them
just one of those day my heavy heart feels a little tired beating faster for anything at all
just one of those days that i take every breath, contemplting what to do with myself, my life, my dreams, my failures, and how to face my Father, my God :(

and with each second comes the outpourng of so many thoughts
some too scary to contemplate
those who konw me, who really really reallyknowme
must surely know i am actually a very weak, very indecisive, very timid person

:(

but i like to blog about these moments
because i know God sends rainbows
and i'll be a happier person the next time i read this post
and i will forever praise Him (:
because He is a faithful God

but moments like this
filled with worry that plugs my mind
and it isnt even about the CA

if it takes a miracle God (:
then give ears to my words Lord
I know Your plans are greater than mine
but here i am, begging You
don't fail me:'(

I started ths blog when i was sec 4
im 5 freaking years older now
and almost a thousand entries later
i still dont know what i want in life

2010-01-25T08:21:00.002+08:00

ohmysky (:

i havent been here in almost 2 months! and so many things have happened since
the ca2s, my major allergic attack to clindamycin, sabai,korea,my 21st, other peeeeople's 21st
ah so many good things and i'm just really thankful for sabai and korea and for the time i got to spend with people i loved.

now that im 21, there are new things i hoped for
i had 3 cakes worth of candles to blow out ((:
made 3 wishes YAY (: but all things come to fullness in God's time
ah forgot to wish to pass driving

anyway, new resolutions begin now that im an adult
truly bluly old hag resolves to:
be pure at heart to this unpure world
to learn to love the unlovable
to speak kindly and bless people always
to have intentions that would glorify her Father
to be a better person!((:

anyway
i spent a day with a very pure person one day ((:
i felt like i could be the happiest person if i spent everyday with someone so pure
hence i want to give this joy and security to people too

MORE MORE MORE BIRTHDAYS COMING UP
AND A DRIVING EXAM, CA3, CA4, PROS., CSFC
before i finally get my next break

oh God (:
i NEED you
carry me through all these madness
and give me something thatwould lift my spirits up
to soar again!

AMEN!

oh but thank God for little 21st parties in the midst, things that i can lookforward to, and thank God for chinese new year reunion at crescent

i look back at 21 years ofmy life
i wished i was less pathethic in my younger days
but then God had a way to allow me tobe happy
so i guess
i'll hold on to Him foreverand ever and forever

2009-11-28T09:00:00.002+08:00

examsareeecoming

and im totally binging on magnum hazeeeelllnut(:

dunno what i'll do without ice creaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam

wheee microbiology is really killing me

likethatswhatisaidateveryexam

tobefair, the content isnt hard at all!

its just theamount of things that i have to get imprinted in the limited recess of my brain that making me slightly stressed. But year 2 is like, cas are just cas so it isnt as bad! (: or maybe it hasnt kicked it, i do need stress to work well. oh the irony!

anyway

i cannnnnnnnnnnot wait for post exams and holidays where i can chopchop fly to cambodia for sabai again, and then leave for korea almost immediately with my familyyy. but the best part is, my friends birthday parties in december that im secretly wanting to do stuff. ahhh so fun

basket why must there be such a barrier like ca2

judge not

for you will be judged!

<3>